My dearest Moni,
Another year and here I sit to write you this letter, wondering whether it makes sense to keep doing it, whether these letters reach you, what you would think… and another year I remind myself of the reason I do it. I would like those who knew you to stop for a few minutes each year to remember you, and those who didn't, to know how important my sister was.
This year I had planned to tell you a few things, but grandma Paqui went to be with you two weeks ago and everything I wanted to tell you has faded into the background… I still can't believe I won't see her again, I keep asking myself whether we'll ever hold those big family gatherings again one day. I so hope the family doesn't drift apart without her.
When I got the news that grandma had gone, what weighed on me most was the fact that I hadn't been able to go to Spain for over a year, I couldn't even go at Christmas. Last year the family gathering was held virtually, over Zoom. I keep remembering the image of grandma dancing to the Christmas carols through the screen, I couldn't have imagined that would be her last Christmas, she looked so well then… It's the same feeling that runs through me every time I see the photos of your last Christmas with us, just before you went into hospital. It's impossible to know when the last time you'll see a person is; blows like these are a slap of reality. You realise how insignificant we are because, just as happened when you left, life went on. The world doesn't stop every time one of us goes. I trusted I'd be able to see grandma when I went to Spain, but in the end she left a few weeks beforehand.
It's paradoxical that despite having got that remote job I was after, in the end it hasn't translated into the freedom I expected of travelling and working from anywhere in the world. I was convinced that freedom would help me keep closer contact with the people I love despite living far away, but the reality is that I haven't been able to leave England for over a year and I haven't been able to be with the family in the important moments.
This year there have been moments when I've felt you very close. There have been situations where I could feel your laughter with us and could hear that phrase so typical of you: "What silly geese!". It's impossible to know whether you were really there or whether it was all in my imagination. I like to think you're still with us. I mention you so often that sometimes people who never knew you tell me they would have liked to meet you.
I miss you! I send you a great big kiss, as every year, with a heavy heart,
Cristina